Civilized life is basically boring. We have, by our technology, eliminated the danger to ourselves from animal predators. We spend hours at the TV and movies watching people on adventures we wish we could experience. We no longer fight off warriors from other tribes, and hunt game for a living. That is the primitive environment our brains have evolved in for all but the tiniest fraction of our evolutionary history. Now to make a living we spend time in the security of offices, factories, or outdoors in our vehicles, most of us doing repetitive tasks. Only a very few of us have the chance to live adventurous lives.
Just as kittens play with each other to gain the coordination needed for hunting skills, so do children instinctively play to prepare themselves for a life we lived until recently in our evolution. Hide and Seek, Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, are all predator and prey games. Capture the flag is a game of tribal warfare.
As adults only a very few of us get to live the lives these games and evolution prepared us for. But we still can and do play the games. Some of us play paint ball, or seek danger by parachuting, or skiing. And some of us do BDSM.
For a Dominant, who might be a secretary by day, it might be the satisfaction of having an executive pay lots of money to obediently grovel at her feet as a slave by night. Or the predatory satisfaction of seeing a submissive squirm under torment. It might be the intellectual satisfaction of figuring out what to do with a submissive, whether it be new ways to torment and humiliate, or ways to make a reluctant slave obedient.
For the submissive it may be the thrill of being in danger, of not knowing what will happen next, of an order and structure provided by another, and of the direct erotic stimulations or those stimulations derived through erotic pain.
With these games to play, BDSM relationships tend to be far less bland than conventional ones. It provides a framework for interaction and satisfies the desire for adventure. It also tends to produce strong emotional bonds in the submissive to the Dominant.
When these games are played in a relationship twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for years is it a game anymore or has it become real?
The bottom line to success in this type of relationship is the same as any .. COMMON SENSE.
COMMON SENSE means you think and apply logic to all you hear. It means you think, and question again and again. You trust your gut feelings. All of that is what COMMON SENSE IS.
A SUBMISSIVE has to remember they are a person with rights and a mind and must use it. A DOM has to remember the same thing about themselves as well as the submissive. A woman'/man's submission and respect is not owed to just any man/woman claiming to be a Dom/Domme.
Ask yourself and expect to be asked by many experienced people delving questions such as:
a. What do you expect to get from D/S or BDSM?
b. What draws you to it?
c. Why do you feel you can only fulfill your needs in a D/S relationship?"
You cannot possibly know what you want from another until you know what you wish to experience within yourself.
2. The next is to learn as much as possible about the choices opening up to you with BDSM. You can ask a thousand people within the community and they will give you a different answer for each question.
3. You will learn one universal truth, each couple creates their own definition of D/S and the roles they hold within their particular relationship. Do not be afraid to search for a partner who shares YOUR views, values and philosophy of D/S.
4. NEVER settle for less than what you know you want.
Preparing For The D/s Relationship
One of the biggest problems going into a relationship is that we don't communicate clearly what we are expecting.
We hear something that is close to what we believe, and then think the other person will change once they get to know you. If your current relationship isn't all you want, and you are counting on the other person changing, (or growing to meet your needs), you should slow down, and not make a commitment until you can discuss the changes. If the person is able to make the changes, or you are able to happily compromise, then move ahead in your relationship.
The D/s relationship is a complicated relationship because it is based on emotional and mental needs. The sub will have a need to please the Dominant. In order to ensure the need grows with the relationship, the sub needs to select a Dominant based on respect, truthfulness, and trust. The respect for the Dominant will help nurture the need to please and help it to grow. The truthfulness will nurture the trust in the Dominant so it can grow. It is the trust that enables the submissive to submit as a gift. The stronger the sub is intellectually and willfully, the more honour is brought to the gift.
The Dominant is to also honour the submissive for presenting the gift. Once the gift is accepted it is the duty of the Dominant to further increase the value of the gift by teaching and protecting the submissive. This should come naturally because this is a characteristic of a true Dominant.
The submissive continues to choose throughout the relationship if they will present the gift to the Dominant. The need to give the Dominant the gift is equal to the need the submissive feels to honour and please the Dominant. It is said that the submissive controls the destination of the relationship, while the Dominant chooses the path they will walk together through the relationship.
The Dominant is not superior in the relationship for choosing the path, and the submissive is not superior to the Dominant because they hold the gift. Both the Dominant and submissive are equal, yet different. It is this fitting together that sets a D/s relationship apart from any other type relationship.
To find someone we can fit with (without sanding and changing the edges) takes patience and a willingness to rely on respect, truth, and trust. Both the submissive and the Dominant must respect themselves and each other. Both must be truthful with themselves, what they are looking for in a relationship, and with the other person.
When thinking about living a D/s relationship they must both be truthful with themselves and to see if the fit is right, or if it's just close enough, and most of all with the other person. Without the perfect fit, the relationship will cool over time instead of growing as you walk the path of your relationship.
With the perfect fit you are whole. The Dominant will desire submission without demanding or expecting it. Through the gift of submission the Dominant will understand love as their desires are met. Through the relationship the Dominant will test the level of submission to understand the depth of the love.
©Reigen Du Coly
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